After 6 years

My last trip to Missouri was in October 2009 when my oldest was three and the middle one was only 6 months old. That’s insane!!!!!! But really it was necessary on so many accounts. First of all I think I needed the isolation from the states to help with the culture adjustments. I still remember the day I read Leslies blog when she said she hadn’t been back to the states for over five years and that she didn’t really miss it all that much anymore. I remember thinking I want that, I’m sick of comparing, I’m ready to be “at home” in Mexico. It’s not like I planned it really but I do remember reading that and thinking that. Then when my middle child was less than two years old number three popped out. (She really did just pop out, labor was less than four hours).  I had my hands full with little ones and the time just flew by. I started working, and really vacations time and money are two things that just don’t line up to often. About year four after my last visit I was just too nervous to try to travel alone with all three girls. The time I went before honestly it was a nightmare with a three year old and a six month old. Then there was the whole Canada fiasco. We were thinking maybe we should get there first and then it will be easier to visit.

 Ok so that is the end of all my excuses. I always feel like I have to give them because when I tell people I haven’t visited my family in six years I get dagger eyes from them. Once someone was giving a prophetic word to me about Lily and they said that she will do missions, but that it would be short term missions and that her heart and home would always be in Mexico with her mom and dad”. Then they added, “Unlike yours which flew the coop and never looked back.” It made me laugh because I hadn’t even told them yet how long it had been. 

So, the last couple months have been filled with a crazy roller coaster of emotions. God has shown me many images and I’ve had countless dreams about things that will go on while I’m there. So many things that right now seem impossible. I can’t quite figure out the logistics of how theywill happen. But over and over He has proven to be right when he speaks to me in this way so I have believed. Also fear has entered about being in the airport and going through customs with less than a two hour layover and three kids. Later I get excited because someone sets up a date where I will get to see them and hug them. And I remember how excited I am to see all the people I love and who have supported me in all this time. Then I remember that I hardly even go to the grocery store with all three girls and without my husband. Oh crap Im going to a different country with them and without him, WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!! My sister then sends me a message about her vacation time and I start to relax and think about morning chatting over coffee and spiritual discussions. This makes me start thinking about how most of my family lives in the country and my girls are such city kids and I’ll have to be on top of them the whole time. So basically this is how I have been for a couple months now. Really this is just a small peak inside the insanity.

But guess what my Father God doesn’t want this insanity going on inside my head. He wants peace, patience, and good thoughts. He reminded me of that this weekend in our prayer service. I received word after word form people I hadn’t discussed any of this with. And of course He spoke directly to me covering me with a blanket of His love. He reminded me that he is so much bigger than all that other stuff. He reminded me that if He can stop a freaking hurricane from blowing up Mexico then he can help us get through customs without stress. He reminded me that I have given and continue to give my girls and their safety to Him on a daily basis. He gave me peace in my heart that even as I now write all those things above I laugh at them. I know that they are nothing compared to my Daddy in heaven. That the entire time the Holy Spirit will be there giving me, and my girls, His wisdom and His knowledge. And even now as I write he tells me he wants to heal people even in the airport. That this can be a mission trip and it makes me so happy and calm.

Now we get to the fun part. Now I am planning without fear. I am overly excited. I have gifts for my friends and family members. I have checked our suit cases to be sure we have enough. We are in the process of getting our consent letter printed and notarized. And the tickets have been ready for quite some time now. So here is and image of what we will look like in just 4 weeks and three days. My girls are going to be baffled by all that we see and do. SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

                                                                                         

The time is upon us.... AHHHHH YEAHHHHHH

Hello everyone, So this post are for those of you who have asked in the past about specifics about our process. I wrote this a couple weeks ago to give to my friends and family because they were getting anxious to hear more about what was going on. I can remember someone telling me not to make to public what all we were doing during our process just in case. But to be honest I believe that God will not let anything bad come from me sharing what he is doing in our lives. Also I reminded myself of why I have this blog in the first place. I was reading some of my old comments from past blogs about Canada and many people had written of the hope it gave them. That is why I blog and that is why I share. So here is the same email I sent to my friends and family (and to be honest by mistake I sent it to the whole world in thanks to a button on gmail... ahi que pena.) Anyway Im excited to share with you all where we are in our process. 

“God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours.”

― David Livingstone

That quote was one of my favorites even before I met Issac. As you can imagine it has stuck with me. Many of you have been asking us a lot of questions regarding our plans and some are wondering how you can help. As some of you know this process has been going on over a year with Shawndra helping me with filing paperwork. Various other people helped us out with the fees and such on those applications and papers and we thank you for that. Many of the questions about what is going to happen over the coming months we still can´t answer. What I want to do through this letter is try to share what we do know and what God has shown us is certain in order of importance.

1.       God is with us: If I have learned anything over the last five years is that God is not going to leave us hanging. More than once we have been wondering how we are going to eat dinner the next day and never have we put our kids to bed hungry. (unless they refuse to eat what I cook of course, lol) Although we have paid bills late over the last five years we actually have very little debt and are confident that we will have all paid off before we go. 

2.       God is going to start a church through us. Issac and I both received this revelation during prayer a few months ago and when we came together to talk about it we were both amazed at how clearly God spoke to us both.  We have been speaking with our pastor and his wife here trying to prepare ourselves for this exciting adventure. God is moving in our lives in amazing ways through inner healing and closeness with him. Everything that has happened in our lives has lead us to this and we thank all of you who have had an impact in our walk with Christ.  The relationship between Issac and I has blossomed into something I never thought possible. Mind you Issac and I have always been in love and had a strong bond but God is truly showing us the meaning of his Joy. As excited as I am about school and getting back into a country where nursing will feel more like home I am more excited about the mission. This revelation about the mission came to us right around the same time I got my notification that I was accepted into the Bridge to Canadian Nursing program. I being the Amanda you all know and love began freaking out a bit about what all needed to be done and how impossible it all looks. I thought of course this is why I love organization, why I know Lean, why I love to structure things.  Oddly enough the thought of having a mission on top of the school thing made me stress a bit more. Why you may wonder well if we were going only for my career it wouldn’t be so stressful because, well, we are happy here. So if we screw it up and can’t go…. No biggy we have figured out how to make it down here and have tons of loved ones who are going to be hard to leave.  But now, God… The Big Guy…. My Creator… My Savior is calling me to go and do his work. Ok so this means I have to do everything right to get this done… that I have to plan it out to the T… that I need to be sure that everything works out and is ready when we get there…RIGHT?

Thankfully God said NO WAY. (I literally just took a deep breath when I wrote that.)  During every devotional, prayer time, quiet time ext. God had been telling me No Way and I was trying to listen. My head was saying I wasn’t worried but my heart was going nuts. And I’m pretty sure I was keeping it hid from everyone except God and Issac.  Then a few weeks ago at church during the worship session God was saying to me, “Amanda please stop worrying, I’ve got this. I need you to let me continue your preparation to be a leader, and to open a new place for me to reach my people.” I of course was like, “Gees God, I know …” But really I still didn’t and He knew that.  After the sermon ended and we were in worship again a man who doesn’t know us and knew nothing of Canada grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Sra. (miss), God wants to tell you that he has a big change coming for you… I think it’s a change of residence or address… I’m not really sure, and also job opportunities. But He wants to tell you he has it under control. You shouldn’t be worrying about the details.” At the moment I was in a bit of shock and could do nothing but thank him. Issac heard what he said and immediately started laughing and gave me a hug.  After church Issac told me that when that man gave me that message that Issac felt God was saying to him we needed to be preparing ourselves for the church plant and not for immigration.  (I have been amazed at how God has been speaking to Issac and I with the same messages) So within a couple hours God gave me the same message three times and finally it sunk in. I can truly say that my heart is at peace and that I know that he is going to supply all the details.  God knows when you need a smack over the head and apparently that’s what I needed. So for the last few weeks I have been focusing on reading, praying, and just loving God. Please pray for Issac and I that we can continue to move closer and closer to God and continue to be on his frequency.

3.       The next fact that is that I have a required student orientation that is in AUGUST and I start classes this coming October so my family needs to be in Canada and somewhat settled before then.  AHHHHHH so excited to be a student again!!!!!!!

4.       Our family easily qualifies for the visas. And Alana will actually be ahead of her classmates when we get there so there is nothing to worry about if she has to skip a month or so of school during the move.  More so because she’s receiving all A´s this year in school, sorry had to through that in there, I’m soooooo proud of her.

5.        I need to send the application for my student visa in April so that it is processed in time for me to start classes. This visa automatically gives Issac an open work permit (which means he can apply for any job just like a resident) and the girls’ temporary residency (which gives them permission to go to school).

6.       Due to me going to this nursing process the immigration process is going to be fairly smooth.  But we don’t have the following requisites:

A.      One requisite we do not have are the girls’ passports.

Each passport will cost us $120 US dollars including shipping fees. The total is $360 US dollars. The need for this has been provided and we have ordered our passports they should be here within 3 weeks. YEahhhhh Praise God for his provisions!!!!!!

B.      The other requisite is that we have to prove to the immigration department that we have enough money to provide for our family during the year of school. The plan is that when we get there Issac will quickly get a job and provide for us during the year.  An acquaintance, who is an immigration consult, told me that Issac has an excellent profile and will have no problems finding a job. But that doesn’t help when applying.  The amount we have to prove to immigration that we can access is $37,000 Canadian dollars or a person or company  that will provide a certain amount every month during the year which is $3,000 Canadian dollars per month.  It sounds like a lot when you see it all together like this so I am going to break it down for you. Really its not over the top.  This amount includes:

a.       Schooling (including books)- $14,000

b.      Living expenses for the applicant (me)- $10,000

c.       Living expenses  for the spouse (issac)- $4,000

d.      Living expenses for each dependent- $3,000 each one = $9,000

The idea is that we can get this money as loans or donations and the loans would be paid back within a year or so. Because by then Issac will have his income and within one year when I'm out of school I will also be working. 

C.      As far as money for the move we are going to sell all our stuff to pay for the tickets and such.

D.      Because we are going to show up the whole family together we are going to need somewhere to stay when we get there until we can find housing and such, unless God provides us with that before leaving. Other things we will need are Issacs job, babysitting and Alanas school again not sure if God is going to enlighten us with his plans for these things before or after we go. A few of our friends have friends who live in or near Calgary and we are convinced that God is going to set all that up without much effort on our part. 

The main thing we are asking of our friends and families is prayer and support. Please pray that we continue to listen and keep our attention on God and on his ministry. As far as all the needs we stated above we don’t need prayer that God will provide them because he has already told us he would. We wish for all to pray prayers of thanksgiving that God is moving in hearts and spirits and that those people respond to his calling. We are so very thankful that God has called us to this change and are excited about what he is going to do in our lives and the lives of the girls.

If you feel led to donate or to loan us any of the necessities we stated above you can contact me or you can  click the Donate to Canada button. It’s a paypal account that is in Shawndras name (my younger sister who has helped me out through everything).  We did it that way so that we don’t have to pay fees to change the money from us dollars to pesos then to Canadian dollars. This way there will only be one money exchange fee.  For immigration we will only need to prove that we have access to the account.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers. Issac and I are overwhelmingly blessed by people who love us and who love our girls. We could never thank God enough for the amount of love he has put into our lives. Thanks so much for believing in us and always supporting our decisions as crazy as they may sound at times. ;)

I plan on writing a longer blog about our new ministry to be honest its what we are most excited about and since I originally wrote this letter God has reveled more and more about His purpose. 

Amanda, Issac, Alana, Joslin and Lilian

The Chicken or the Egg

That is my current question, and isnt the first time either. Im going to go back over a year ago in June of 2012. Wow that seems like forever ago. I wrote a blog about the reasons I felt it was necessary to move from Mexico to Canada. http://bordersaside.blogspot.mx/2012/06/cold-hard-truth-and-dream.html

Suprisingly after reading this blog post I feel the same today. I love Mexico but God is surely pushing us toward Canada. 

Then again in June I posted this http://bordersaside.blogspot.mx/2012/06/taking-it-few-steps-at-time.html. And again still today we are doing the step by step thing. Taking the process as it comes, not looking behind nor to far ahead. 

The follwoing month in July of 2012 I posted this http://bordersaside.blogspot.mx/2012/07/asking-for-and-accepting-help.html Basically saying if anyone wanted to help with our fees and such  there is a Donate button. A huge change in what immigraiton process we will be doing has occured which I will explain in a bit but the need for assistance for fees hasnt. Button is still there hint hint. hahahah ;)

After almost 6 months of not hearing much from me about Canada I posted this http://bordersaside.blogspot.mx/2013/02/clearing-air-about-canada.html Which was my acceptance letter from the Canadian board of Nursing saying I could take the test. I was excited and scared to death at the same time. 

Well what happened next you may be wanting to know... if not dont read on. 

Well in April of this year I recived an email that almost shook me up. (Had God not been constanly reasuring me that this was his path I would have given up on the idea all together.)

Here is what the email said:

CARNA previously referred you to a Substantially Equivalent Competence (SEC) assessment with Mount Royal University (MRU) at one of their Internationally Educated Nurse (IEN) assessment centres in Edmonton or Calgary.

Recently, MRU confirmed that it is no longer accepting bookings and that both Alberta IEN assessment centres will be closed as of June 30, 2013.

We are sorry that at this time it is not clear how this will impact your application for registration withCARNA. We understand that becoming a nurse in Alberta is important to you, and that you may be worried about how this will affect your application or feel frustrated by this uncertainty.

CARNA is also very concerned by the loss of SEC assessment services in Alberta and how the closure affects applicants like you. We are working with the Alberta government to address this serious situation as quickly as possible.

We will keep you informed by email as we receive more information.

Well they held true to their word and have kept me well informed and have stayed in contact. This last September they notified me that they would be accepting the exam from other providences. But that they  now had a new option which as they said in their email was to:

 Skip the step of SEC assessment and

·   Complete the full Bridging education program satisfactory to the Registrar.

Bridging education, which includes theory and skills lab courses and a supervised clinical experience will provide you with opportunities to learn about nursing in Canada and help you acquire the knowledge and skills needed for practice in the Canadian health care system.  Mount Royal University (MRU) in Calgary, Alberta offers a full Bridging program in nursing

So I chose the bridge program. I have been informed that I  have been conditionally accepted pending the arrival of my language requirement, which CARNA has assured me is on its way to the university. 

So why the Chicken or the egg question???????

Our current plan is for all of us to go to Canada when I go for school. The Canadian immigration system allows the spouse of a student visa holder to get an automatic work permit and the children can go and enter the school system. It all sounds pretty strait forward and the only thing we are seeing that may be a complication is highlited in yellow. . 

Who is eligible to study in Canada?

These requirements apply to everyone who wishes to study in Canada, whether or not you need a study permit. To study in Canada, you must:

• Have been accepted to a school, college, university or other educational institution in Canada,
• Have proof that you have enough money to pay for your:
  
  
  • tuition fees,
  • living expenses for yourself and any family members (spouse or common-law partner and/or dependent children) who come with you to Canada (According to Citizenship and Immigration Canada guidelines in addition to the cost of tuition fees, you will require approximately $10 000 per year to cover your living expenses. If your dependants are planning to accompany or join you, you will require an additional $4 000 for the first dependant, and $3 000 for each subsequent dependant), and
  • return transportation for yourself and any family members who come with you to Canada.
• Be a law-abiding citizen with no criminal record and not be a risk to the security of Canada,
• Be in good health and willing to complete a medical examination, if necessary, and
• Satisfy an immigration officer that you will leave Canada when you have completed your studies.

The thing is we are planning on Issac working and acourding to these amounts and how much the school costs we can make it if he can get a job making at least 3,000 a month. But here is the chicken or egg situation. Right now we cant prove we have this income in order to get the visa until he gets a job offer. But will they give him the job offer without the visa? 

This is our next step... Any sugestions, or even better anyone close to Calgary area want to give my hubby a job offer????

In all seriousness what we need most from our loved ones at this point is prayer for guidance and prayers of thanksgiving for the things God is going to do in order to flatten this speed bump or help us over it. 

Thanks for keeping up with our journey through life. I love sharing with you all and most of all I love getting your feed back. Please give me your ideas, comments, ext. 

Christmas in August

The longer I live here the less I think about what I miss from the states. The great thing is that even though I dont miss things when they do show up I'm so excited about them. For example Issacs mom sent us a huge jar of Jiff PB. This is sold in the larger cities in Mexico but around here all you can get is some junk called Aladine or sometimes they have a very small container of Jiff that is so over priced its not worth buying. So that was supper exciting we got it about 3 weeks ago and its almost gone. But then about a week ago I received a care package from my sister. I have the best sister in the world, in case I hadn't said that before. She has sent me things and done more running around in the states for me than anyone should ever be expected to do. We decided that she should try out the regular mail service this time around because we seem to have a lot of bumps in the road with the other mail services. Also we found out recently that packages go through the same random red light green light as people do as they cross the boarder. So I'm thinking the smaller and less conspicuous (because I still doubt the randomness of the red light green light) the better. So she got the Medium flat rate box and packed it tight and sent it on it its way. I GOT IT 5 DAYS LATER!!!!!! That is so much faster than any of the mail couriers we have used. She sent me two prego shirts, some magazines, shorts for hubby, fun bath markers and color changing tabs for the girls, happy meal toys for the girls, cars for the new baby and other random things for the girls. We are loving all of it and is so nice to have quality cloths from the states. I do really miss Kohls. Then this weekend we were privileged to have our friends Rebbecca her hubby and their son stay with us at our house. She comes in like Santa and gave my girls all kinds of toys, cloths and shoes and all new stuff. I was so shocked.. when she had asked for sizes I was thinking she was hitting up some yard sales which would have been great also, but these were all new. This is a big deal here, you see cloths cost about the same here as they do their except they are made cheaper and there are fewer sales. I refused to buy cloths unless they are on sale here because they are never even close to worth the original prices. Anyway the girls loved all their stuff and are still playing with the toys and are so excited about the cloths. She also brought me lovely books and magazines. I'm so excited because as usually this came just in time. I am currently reading the last book on my shelf that I hadn't read and its not one I'm liking all that much. One of the best things ever is that she helped me to set up a magic jack. A few months ago I went on a rant about not being able to connect with certain family members the way I wish I could. A lot of you wrote me with different ideas some of which I was already using. A lot of those ideas were just out of our cost range but this one was not thankfully. Thanks to this I have already spoken to a couple friends who haven't had time to sit in front of their computer to skype and I can communicate more frequently with my sister and mom. I cant imagine how much it could have helped and lightened my sisters load if we would have had this two years ago but hey its better now than never. Also because were pretty sure this new baby coming is a boy she brought us some of her sons old cloths. This helps a lot because I have girls and dont have boy anything.
During my walks to and from Alanas school I try to take that time to reflect on God and my relationship with him and so on and so forth. These last couple days of walks have just been full of thanksgiving. God has always put such great people in our lives and has always taken care of us. I'm so thankful for where we are in our lives and things are going so well. I actually love living here now. I love that before 10am I have said good morning and smiled at tons of people most of which I barely know or do not know at all. I love that I am getting to know my neighbors and feel so safe and cared for. Really this could go on for some times so Ill stop now and leave this blog with how thankful I am for the Christmas in August. ;)

Thanks Suegra... Thanks Burkharts.... Thanks Rebbecca and family.

The downside

Although I am content and happy with my current life there are still some major downsides to this whole situation. Last night I looked at photos of a loved ones wedding and cried because I wasn't there to see her beautiful smiling face when she said, I do. Growing up I learned quickly what the word friend means and how important friends can be. As you all know from reading my posts Im a no crap kinda person. Im gonna give it to you how it is and tell you who I am. I found that when you do this with your friends they do the same and the connection cant be broken. I have one friend who has been like a sister since I was seven years old, and the rest of the girlfriends I picked up in early high school I never let go of. We were all really tight, we shared everything and still try to. Lucky for me my little sister was part of this group and another girl who is her age is the one who got married Sunday. She is one of the purest kind hearted people I know. I'm so happy for her that she has found love and got to secure that love this weekend. I'm still not sure that living in the states at this point would be a choice but visiting more often would be if only husband could go with to help out and to see our loved ones. Missing big events like this has happened frequently over the last year, but up till now they were not people so dear to my heart. These are the times I get pissed at the system and then I start to wonder how many people have no idea how bad this hurts.
Also fathers day was this very same weekend. I have tried over and over to have a good communication with my dad over this last couple years. Its not going well. He checks his e-mail but wont write back, its just nothing he ever has figured out. I finally thought Id try the texting rout but apparently he hasn't gotten that one down yet either. None of my family have been able to save enough money to come see me and my slim hopes of it ever happening is getting dimmer and dimmer. I watched older siblings move away and not stay in contact they way I wished they would. I always just knew that I would be the one to keep my kids close to their grandparents and extended family. But now that's not a choice. I know I made the choice to move here but I didn't make the choice that my husband couldn't live or even visit there.
So there it is the sob story, it sucks and it prob wont get much better as far as this goes. I think sometimes what am I going to do when close friends of mine have their first kids and I never get to meet them. Or even worse when my sisters have babies and I never get to meet them. Or what if something happens to my parents and I cant make it there to sit by there hospital bed or be with my siblings if they pass.
And so what is left for me today is to pray for God to heal my heart after this hard weekend and to help me move on without bitterness. This is the true story behind the immigration struggle and many of us will keep living it the best we know how. I'm not looking for sympathy here but I feel the point in this blog is to give, and get support, but to also to try to get the word out about what can happen when the system fails as it has over and over.

Caramelo

I'm a little behind on a couple blogs Iv been wanting to post due to the birthday party and Easter. Both of which I will post about and put pictures but first this one. This is a book review of sorts. Thanks to Alice who writes the blog http://wagamamawonderings.blogspot.com/, I have some new books to read. I enjoy being sent books from people that I don't pick out because I often get ones that I would never choose but then I love them. One of the books she sent is titled Caramelo by Sandra Cisneros and is a National bestseller. This book is about a young Mexican girl who is raised in the US and visits Mexico city to see her grandmother every year. Mainly I just want to say it was nice to see in writing the differences yet similarities in the countries. Also it helped me to better understand my husbands side of the family. Mind you in this book her grandmother is a hateful old lady and non of my family here is quite so hateful. But I did get to see inside some of their prejudice against Americans and their love for their own people. Also she sometimes puts her words in Spanish when there is just not an English word to describe what she wants to say. I feel I broadened my vocabulary by reading this book. She so well explains herself in both languages and it is at times poetic. She refers to historic events be it war or popular issues helping me to get to know the country I live in. When the only Mexican history you know is the Alamo it can dampen you in certain conversations. I feel that now I can join in on some of those issues. Because of this particular issue and the widening of my Spanish vocabulary I actually plan to almost study this book. For me to learn I need things put in an every day sense and this book does so very well. I suggest it to my blog readers even if you don't live here, this may help you get a look inside some of the issues of being from both countries.
I just want to put a small portion of one of my favorite example where her writing can become so poetic yet so real.
"As soon as we cross the bridge (into Mexico) everything switches to another language. Toc says the light switch in this country, at home it says click. Honk, says the cars at home, here they say tán-tán-ta´n. The scrip-scrape-scrip of high heels across saltillo floor tiles. The angry lion growl of the corrugated curtains when the shopkeepers roll them open each morning and the lazy lion roar at night when they pull them shut. The pic, pic, pic of sombody's faraway hammer. Church bells over and over all day even when its not o'clock. Roosters. The hollow echo of a dog barking. Bells from skinny horses pulling tourists in a carriage, clip-clop on cobblestones and big chuncks of horse caquita tumbling out of them like shredded wheat.
Sweets sweeter, colors brighter, the bitter more bitter,. A cage of parrots all the rainbow colors of Lul'u sodas. Pushing a window out to open it instead of pulling it up. A cold slash of door latch in your hand instead of the dull round doorknob. Tin sugar spoon and how surprised the hand feels because its so light. Children walking to school in the morning with their hair still wet from the morning bath. "


She goes on like this for two pages and I hope you get the book and read more. I also think the above paragraph helps to describe some of the things I don't want to loose. For example here chicks say pia pia instead of chirp chirp and the other day I couldn't remember the chirp chirp part. May sound silly but this was a big deal to me.

Which country do you like better was the question.

I am at this point so ready for baby and less belly, my due date is April 3 so its coming soon. The Dr. confined me to home and gave me some meds for about 10 days 3 weeks ago due to some contractions I was having. They are not gone yet but because its safe to go into labor now I dont have to take the meds or rest as much. I have had a couple people ask me questions lately that got me to think about my situation. Its funny because with out these questions being brought to me I'm just going about my merry little way like things are normal. First a boy who sells tacos on the bottom floor of our apartment was proud to tell me he knew English and that he lived in the states for 5 years. His English was actually very good and I'm glad to now be able to have a random conversation with him when passing. But then he asked me which country I liked better. I was surprised that I couldn't answer him right away, many thoughts came rushing to my mouth and I couldn't get any of them out. Here are my thoughts: I'm happier now, but does that mean I like Mexico better or that God has me to be with my husband and that's why I'm happy, I'm not stressed and feel like there is always a load of crap to do, but is this just because I'm not working yet and I have my hubby around to help me with our daughter or because things move so much slower down here. I still hold a grudge against the US gov for kicking my family out on our rears, but then again if they hadn't God would have found another way to get us here, I miss walmart-target-the dollar tree- nursing but I love that each corner has a little tienda that I have help when going to the grocery store, that I get to share my bed with my hubby and see him with our daughter. There is supposedly a lot of corruption her but isn't there in the states, There is not a lot of money here but most people here ignore the fact and live their lives, in the States people act like the world is going to end if they can buy their fav snack or new cloths. After stuttering for a min, which I never do, I finally said, "Well I was more comfortable in the states but I am starting to get comfortable in Mexico."
Then my sister asked me the other day how I was dealing with the pregnancy down here if it was more or less emotional being here with Issac or in the states without him. That one was simple. At this stage of my pregnancy my husband had been gone for 1week, my doctors had to up my dosage of prozac so I could get out of the chair in the mornings and I still cried myself to sleep every night. So if you have been reading any of my blogs lately you know that I am doing much better emotionally. My husband is such a great supporter of me and is always encouraging me. Whit Alana I hate to say that what I thought often was that I just wanted to hurry up and have her so that I could sooner travel to Mexico to be with my husband. I realized the other day that Im actually more excited about this labor rather than just feeling like I just want it to be done. My husband plans to be in the delivery room with me and he has done all his reading and studying and he is so excited about it. He had done all the reading and studying with Alana in hopes she would come before his mandatory departure date but that didn't happen. Oh and yes we asked for a few extra weeks and the government said no. Obviously I still hold a grudge maybe over the next year or so I can let that go I hope. But for now I sigh and let it roll back to the background and realize that my life is where it should be and that although money is tight we are happy, in love, and raising our family on the path that God is sending us down.

Communication across a border Feb 08

Issac took a full time job at the hotel in Mx city. When they hired him they told him the shifts would rotate every 2 weeks. The only time this sucks is when he does eve. Alana and I were so bored tonight without papi. One of the employees told Issac they only switch once a month and if that's true I told him he would have to quite. I cant go a month without him and I know Alana cant and that he would die with out seeing her.

Communicationg across the border

While we waited for Issacs Visa appointment we did all we could to stay united as a family. We used the web cam every night and more often on the weekends. As Alana got older she would interact with the computer screen. Now that Im finally here with him its hard for me to remember those times. The first time she pointed at the computer screen and said Papi Issac and I felt a bit of remorse in this time that should have been happy. After her first birthday she even started doing things like trying to feed him and give him drinks thought the screen. They would play patty cake and do copy cat. We visited him as often as my work would let me. We know that we were blessed beyond most families in our situation when it comes to this. Due to my profession I was paid well enough to afford the trips and we would buy only what was necessary. We visited him 5 times in the 2 years we were in different countries. Each visit was always stressed because we wanted to spend as much time together as possible but yet his family was all excited to see me and Alana. The first trip was for 3 weeks but after that the rest were only for a week at a time. This was such a hard time for Issac and I but Alana seemed to do ok with it. It was all she knew. Here are some entries from some of my previous blogs during this time.

Monday, November 27, 2006

I continue to love my husband more and more each day as impossible as that sounds. I still falling head over heals for him. Issac reminded me the other day that what God unites let no man seperate. Nothing in this world can truely seperate me from my one and only love. Alana has gotten to where when she hears the IM bell she looks at the comp screan to see Issac. She laughs and goos at him when hes on. Babys are amazing at how much they know. Im confadent that she knows thats her daddy. Im excited to see her in his arms once again. We are going there Dec5hth to the 15th please pray for a safe trip for us both.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

So I havent blogged in awhile because I was going through some inner termoil. Im doing better now thanks to our God. I dont want to go into all that becasue most of you know whats up anyway. If not no need to worry like I said Im doing better. So we are now looking at June or July for Issacs retun. Im praying for him to be here for Alanas first birthday. Please keep that date in mind (July 15th) and pray specificaly for it. God does want us to be specific sometimes. If it doesnt happen Im sure he has his reasons but it will be a bitter sweat day for us if he is not here. Thats how I can discribe Christmas, New Years, Our birhtdays. All bitter sweet this year. Anyway God is realy providing daily for me and Alana. Its alittle stressful some days but we will make it. God has provided me with a strong sense of survial. Alana is my reason for keepen on keepen on. As one of the gospels states "To live is Christ to die is gain." So I live today for Christ. So Alana is more and more like Issac every day. I told him she shares his need for attention. She will litteraly act like she can breath if I dont sit and stare at her while she is eatting her bottle.

First visit to meet daddy

Alana's (our daughter) doctor released her at 8 weeks old to be able to travel out of the country. I was still on maternity leave so I went and stayed with Issac in Mexico for 3 weeks. So this is a blog entry from another site that I actually wrote while I was there.

We made it and I cant explain how good it is to be in the arms of my husband holding our baby. Now I know what its realy supose to feel like. Realy I dont have many words except that if your home is where your heart is my home is in mexico right now. And I wont be home after I leave until Im back with him. It only took Alana one night to get warmed up to Issac. She now wants him as much as me. Which is a nice break for me. I can actually leave her for a bit and do things with 2 hands. The kids here are all so good and try so hard to communicate with me. Im realy doing better than I thought. ok gotta go feed alana now. Oh shes doing great with the bottel Issac loves feeding her and always burps her. man its realy great to see him with her.
Here is an entry from Issac;
Amanda was able to come to visit with me for the first time after Alana was born in September and she was able to stay there with me for 3 weeks.I got to hold my daughter for the first time. She was already two months old.When they left, i had to drop them off at the airport.It was heartbreaking. I was praying to god in tears to end this whole nightmare and bring us back together.

Taking care of a newborn alone

I was released from the hospital, with Alana, on July 17, 2006. Two days later, on July 19, 2006, a massive thunder and windstorm hit St. Louis. The storm left our apartment without electricity for a week. It was extremely hot. I was still in pain from Alana’s delivery and could not care for her by myself. When our apartment lost electricity, around 7:30 p.m., I was alone with Alana and did not know what to do. Without electricity, we did not have air conditioning. Alana became very hot and would not eat. I still had many hormones running through my body and was extremely emotional and off-balance. I was in no condition to make any decisions of my own at that time. Alana would not eat because she was feeling my anxiety and she was too hot. The temperature rose to over 103 degrees Fahrenheit in our apartment. I was nursing at the time and became engorged because of Alana’s refusal to eat. The pain and discomfort from the engorgement, combined with the heat, made it difficult to think of anything else. If Issac had been here, he would have found a safe place for us to stay, and I would not have been stressed with the task. Issac would have been able to think more clearly, and would have made these decisions for me.

Eventually, I decided we could not stay at the apartment. At 9:00 p.m., I packed up everything and took Alana to our Pastor’s house. I was still very stressed and emotional. I was also extremely uncomfortable, because I was only a few days post-partum. Between bouts of pain and tears from both Alana, and myself, I had to pack my belongings along with all of the belongings necessary to care for a newborn. Staying at the pastor’s house was very stressful. I had no privacy, and I was still bleeding. While I was at our pastor’s house, I called my sister Shawndra. She lived two hours away, so she could not come get us for a few days.

On Saturday, July 22, 2006, Shawndra drove to St. Louis and picked us up. This was only one week after I delivered Alana, and I was still in pain. So, the drive back to Shawndra’s house was very uncomfortable. I was still bleeding and bruised. I also still had the stitches from the episiotomy, which takes about six weeks to heal. When we finally arrived at my sister’s house, I started crying. I felt so overwhelmed. Alana and I stayed at Shawndra’s house for two weeks. During those two weeks, I was unable to use my webcam, so Issac and I were unable to see one another. In addition, Issac was not able to see video his daughter until two weeks after she was born. Both of these obstacles created incredible stress and sadness for me.

After we returned from my sister’s house, I hurt my back while moving furniture in order to baby-proof the apartment. Afterward, whenever I picked up Alana I felt a spasm in my back. My back continued to hurt for five months after this injury. I remember continuing to have back problems when Alana and I visited Isaac in Mexico for the second time, in December 2006. Alana was approximately five months old. After Alana was born, doing even small tasks such as grocery shopping and the laundry were extremely difficult for me. Since the laundry machines are in the basement of my building, I was forced to leave Alana alone in the apartment as I ran up and down two flights of stairs. The other option was to carry my newborn and a load of laundry with me up and down two flights of stairs. If my husband had been here, I would not have this anxiety, as he would be able to stay with her and make sure she did not cry or somehow hurt herself while I was in the basement doing laundry.

Labor without Issac

The first couple of hours at the hospital, my friends kept trying to get the webcam set up so Issac could watch Alana’s birth. However, we were never able to get the webcam to work. Between contractions, I talked to Issac on the phone, but it was very hard for me not to be able to see him. I knew this was also extremely frustrating for him. I know he wanted to be there to help me. Knowing that he was upset made me even more anxious.

I had planned on having a drug-free childbirth, but in the end I was unable to do so. Throughout labor, I was constantly worried about the fact that Issac was not going to be there in person for our daughter’s birth. Once I found out that the webcam was not going to work either, and he would not even be able to watch it, I became even more upset. So, I gave in and had the epidural. I didn’t have the strength to do otherwise.

Although I had a great amount of support during my labor and delivery, it was not the same as having my husband by my side. It was very difficult for me to go through labor without my husband to be there to share in this incredible experience. Also, I was concerned about Alana’s health during my labor and delivery. I had been put on Prozac one week after Issac left, which was two weeks before Alana’s birth. I was worried because Prozac can cause respiratory depression in newborns.

After Issac left.

Starting immediately after my husband’s departure, I struggled with waves of depression and long periods of weeping. I was 9 months pregnant at the time, and sick with grief. I had to call in to work ill frequently. I now know what it means to lose one’s will to go on. My obstetrician put me on Prozac to help reduce my depression. It was now three weeks until my due date. I was incapacitated and without the love of my life to help me. Even now as I write this, I cry when I think of the devastation that I felt. Words on a page will never be enough to express to you what this did to me. The night I went into labor, I was lying on the couch waiting for Issac to get on the webcam for our nightly visit. Just as I lay down, I felt my water breaking. I am not a panicky person, so I got up and went to the bathroom to see what had happened. After I realized my water had broken, I needed a towel. But, there was not one in the bathroom. Because I was home alone, I had to run to my room to get a towel. Needless to say I then had to clean up the mess I had just made. This was a very scary and confusing time for me. After my water broke, I had to leave my apartment in an extremely uncomfortable state, with a towel between my legs, and stand in the hallway waiting for my neighbor to answer the door. Instead of my neighbor answering some of her friends came to the door, making my situation even more uncomfortable. The neighbor drove me to the hospital and, fortunately, several friends met me there. One of my friends called the childerns home in Mexico where Issac was working and told them I was in labor. Issac was not there at the time and called me later on.