Taking care of a newborn alone

I was released from the hospital, with Alana, on July 17, 2006. Two days later, on July 19, 2006, a massive thunder and windstorm hit St. Louis. The storm left our apartment without electricity for a week. It was extremely hot. I was still in pain from Alana’s delivery and could not care for her by myself. When our apartment lost electricity, around 7:30 p.m., I was alone with Alana and did not know what to do. Without electricity, we did not have air conditioning. Alana became very hot and would not eat. I still had many hormones running through my body and was extremely emotional and off-balance. I was in no condition to make any decisions of my own at that time. Alana would not eat because she was feeling my anxiety and she was too hot. The temperature rose to over 103 degrees Fahrenheit in our apartment. I was nursing at the time and became engorged because of Alana’s refusal to eat. The pain and discomfort from the engorgement, combined with the heat, made it difficult to think of anything else. If Issac had been here, he would have found a safe place for us to stay, and I would not have been stressed with the task. Issac would have been able to think more clearly, and would have made these decisions for me.

Eventually, I decided we could not stay at the apartment. At 9:00 p.m., I packed up everything and took Alana to our Pastor’s house. I was still very stressed and emotional. I was also extremely uncomfortable, because I was only a few days post-partum. Between bouts of pain and tears from both Alana, and myself, I had to pack my belongings along with all of the belongings necessary to care for a newborn. Staying at the pastor’s house was very stressful. I had no privacy, and I was still bleeding. While I was at our pastor’s house, I called my sister Shawndra. She lived two hours away, so she could not come get us for a few days.

On Saturday, July 22, 2006, Shawndra drove to St. Louis and picked us up. This was only one week after I delivered Alana, and I was still in pain. So, the drive back to Shawndra’s house was very uncomfortable. I was still bleeding and bruised. I also still had the stitches from the episiotomy, which takes about six weeks to heal. When we finally arrived at my sister’s house, I started crying. I felt so overwhelmed. Alana and I stayed at Shawndra’s house for two weeks. During those two weeks, I was unable to use my webcam, so Issac and I were unable to see one another. In addition, Issac was not able to see video his daughter until two weeks after she was born. Both of these obstacles created incredible stress and sadness for me.

After we returned from my sister’s house, I hurt my back while moving furniture in order to baby-proof the apartment. Afterward, whenever I picked up Alana I felt a spasm in my back. My back continued to hurt for five months after this injury. I remember continuing to have back problems when Alana and I visited Isaac in Mexico for the second time, in December 2006. Alana was approximately five months old. After Alana was born, doing even small tasks such as grocery shopping and the laundry were extremely difficult for me. Since the laundry machines are in the basement of my building, I was forced to leave Alana alone in the apartment as I ran up and down two flights of stairs. The other option was to carry my newborn and a load of laundry with me up and down two flights of stairs. If my husband had been here, I would not have this anxiety, as he would be able to stay with her and make sure she did not cry or somehow hurt herself while I was in the basement doing laundry.

Labor without Issac

The first couple of hours at the hospital, my friends kept trying to get the webcam set up so Issac could watch Alana’s birth. However, we were never able to get the webcam to work. Between contractions, I talked to Issac on the phone, but it was very hard for me not to be able to see him. I knew this was also extremely frustrating for him. I know he wanted to be there to help me. Knowing that he was upset made me even more anxious.

I had planned on having a drug-free childbirth, but in the end I was unable to do so. Throughout labor, I was constantly worried about the fact that Issac was not going to be there in person for our daughter’s birth. Once I found out that the webcam was not going to work either, and he would not even be able to watch it, I became even more upset. So, I gave in and had the epidural. I didn’t have the strength to do otherwise.

Although I had a great amount of support during my labor and delivery, it was not the same as having my husband by my side. It was very difficult for me to go through labor without my husband to be there to share in this incredible experience. Also, I was concerned about Alana’s health during my labor and delivery. I had been put on Prozac one week after Issac left, which was two weeks before Alana’s birth. I was worried because Prozac can cause respiratory depression in newborns.

After Issac left.

Starting immediately after my husband’s departure, I struggled with waves of depression and long periods of weeping. I was 9 months pregnant at the time, and sick with grief. I had to call in to work ill frequently. I now know what it means to lose one’s will to go on. My obstetrician put me on Prozac to help reduce my depression. It was now three weeks until my due date. I was incapacitated and without the love of my life to help me. Even now as I write this, I cry when I think of the devastation that I felt. Words on a page will never be enough to express to you what this did to me. The night I went into labor, I was lying on the couch waiting for Issac to get on the webcam for our nightly visit. Just as I lay down, I felt my water breaking. I am not a panicky person, so I got up and went to the bathroom to see what had happened. After I realized my water had broken, I needed a towel. But, there was not one in the bathroom. Because I was home alone, I had to run to my room to get a towel. Needless to say I then had to clean up the mess I had just made. This was a very scary and confusing time for me. After my water broke, I had to leave my apartment in an extremely uncomfortable state, with a towel between my legs, and stand in the hallway waiting for my neighbor to answer the door. Instead of my neighbor answering some of her friends came to the door, making my situation even more uncomfortable. The neighbor drove me to the hospital and, fortunately, several friends met me there. One of my friends called the childerns home in Mexico where Issac was working and told them I was in labor. Issac was not there at the time and called me later on.

The departure

We received the date for Issacs departure and it was a couple weeks before our daughter was to be born. We asked if he could stay only until she was born and they refused. This is a sections from Issacs letter.
The voluntary departure process was going on during all of these events.Our lawyer did a good job of buying us some time, so that Amanda and I could stay together as long as possible during this first year of our marriage.We came to a point where we couldn’t push the court date back any further. We went to our last hearing and the received the final date for my departure to México. We were preparing for the worst. I was scared. I was sad. I was hurting. I still couldn’t believe that was happening.The date was set for July 5By that date I needed to be at the embassy in México, to turn in my paperwork.Our attorney told us that the process was to take from 6 to 8 months to get my visa appointment date, after that, Amanda could start the process to file for “hardship on an American citizen.” We prepared everything for my departure, and on July 3 2006 I left my pregnant wife in St Louis to go to a place that i didn’t know anymore.