Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Recently Issac and I have decided I'm going to take another year off and stay with the girls. At that point we will reevaluate our financial situation again and my need to work feelings again. Anyway Iv been feeling more and more that the 10yrs I put in with the nursing field was great and fulfilled many dreams I had but that maybe that time in my life has passed, at least for now anyway. (I will never let my lic expire but I'm not sure about what will happen with my future in it as a career) I have decided to stay home with my girls for many reasons. The most dear to me is that I want myself and my girls hold on to the US side of ourselves. There really is no way to explain the fear I have sometimes when I feel like we are speaking Spanish to often in the home, or eating meatloaf and spaghetti enough. Or when someone tells one of my daughters how "those Americans" are. And I'm not talking about rude, mean or ill meaning people I'm talking about family. And I don't want you all to get to offended by that because if you truly examine yourselves you'll find you have a lot of ideas about "those Mexicans". I only add that disclaimer because the longer I'm here the more I find that some are truer than I thought and others are dead wrong. But it seems that the longer Im around his family they are not changing their view of Americans. They seriously think everyone lives perfect like in TV. Its so frustrating sometimes. Anyway once the girls (Alana in September) get into school they will be having Spanish forced on them outside the house. At the schools here they are almost forbidden to speak English outside of English class. I can see why as the teachers don't know what they are saying and it could be bad. I pray that they hold a dear place in themselves for English and that we will always speak English in the house as a family. Again as hard as I try I'm not sure I can explain how I feel about this. Alana brought both of these things together for me very well the other day. She has a very bad rope burn on her arm from the brinkoline at the party. The other day I forced her to let me clean it up and bandage it. A lot of times when something like this happens I tell her I'm being her nurse and that I know what needs to be done. Today after the ordeal, and yes it was an ordeal she is so dramatic, she helped me to realize we have made the right decisions in me staying home with them. She said mommy you are not a nurse you are my mommy and I love you. I told her I loved her to and could I be a nurse and a mommy. She said no mommy your not a nurse your my English mommy. She said this with such serious love and conviction that I melted and told her she was right. And I meant it and I know it is the truth. I think her calling me her English mommy stems from the fact that Issacs mom has stayed the night the last couple nights and lots of family were here. When family or anyone who doesn't speak English is in the house we speak in Spanish as much as my vocabulary will allow. I think she was ready for me to speak to her in English again because we are better able to communicate our feelings and such. Anyway this just blessed me so much and I wanted to share. I hope I was able to get this across with out being confusing. I love that I am her English mommy.