Monday, July 4, 2011

Mixed Emotions

I have so much to catch up about my life recently but today Im going to write about the crazyness going on in my head and heart regarding the holiday today.

Let me tell you for about five years this was a very bad day for me. My husband had to leave me (his 8mo prego wife) on July 3rd. Obviously that year I was quite bitter about hearing our Anthom and Pledge. The following year he was still waiting for his appointment and I moved to Mexico the end of June the follwoing year. My first 4th of July in Mexico needless to say I was still quite upset about the idea. I still sang the Antem and recited the Pledge to my daughter who was now 2 yrs old and living in Mexico. My second year here I still had the bitterness but it was weakened a bit by homesickness. I still hadnt been able to visit my family at that point and the holiday reminded me of times we would get together. Last year there was little bitterness and a lot of homesickness. I again as I do every year did crafts with my girls and Im pretty sure we ate hotdogs. Well here we are again five years later.

This year I am missing the fair, the fireworks, the greesed pigs, mud vollyball (yes Im from MO), concerts, and my family. For the last week or so I was surprised at how unangry I was. And how I didnt want to laugh at every comment put on face book about our great nation. I really thought that all the bitterness was gone until this morning. I sat in my kitchen reciting the Pledge to my girls, and it just felt wrong. I felt like I was lying to them, like I was out right telling them a bold faced lie. As I repeated UNDER GOD or JUSTICE FOR ALL I keept thinking about the false ideas so many Mexicans have of the US. These notions are one huge pet peve of mine and Im am so worried my girls will end up with them. I dont want them to have this AMERICAN DREAM that everything there is better, and that anything can be done there. Its not true and so many people here are raised with it. And then here I am feeding it to them myself just because its Independance Day in a country Im not even living.

Of course I will still have them practice the Pledge again and make a flag when we get home tonight. And I will smile and act like Im happy about it. But to be honest it feels yucky! Why will I do it anyway...  Im not sure. I think mainly so when they do go visit the states they still feel slightly at home, that they fit in, that they dont get stared down or looked at badly for no knowing it when they go to a baseball game.

Some patriatism ehh, only so my kids will fit in later in life.

So... this is more than three years after the initial verdict. Im sure it will get better in a few more years but as for now,  Im not quite there yet.


  1. Interesting point of view. I do find it tough that I'm not with my family on the 4th. Not bitter, but sad. Sad that I'm not there, and even when I am there, it's always without my husband. Hoping one day that will change. Happy 4th you, amiga. *Abrazos* :-)

  2. I feel pretty much the same way, and I'm still living here. I think some of my family (especially the ones in the military) were a little offended when I put on Facebook today "God Bless the USA. We need it."

  3. It's hard. But I think as many flaws as it has, the United States also really truly has many positive sides to be proud of. And that's what you should try to celebrate today.

  4. Although it's not the sentiment usually felt on July 4th, I think you have it more thought out than most people who are just excited to eat hot dogs and watch fireworks. There's deep meaning to the 4th, and obviously, it especially makes someone in your situation question how we define 'freedom' and 'independence' as Americans. Thanks for sharing -- it's a holiday that I really cherish as an American, but it's interesting to hear another viewpoint.

  5. I agree that the US has many, many issues. At the same time, I think Americans have so many more opportunities than almost any other country.

  6. Leah- As I cried in the shower last night I (as always) was analyzing my feelings. Im happy to say none of the tears were from anger or bitterness but sadness. Seams an odd thing to be glad for but Id rather feel sad than bitter.
    Josie- I think everyone really knows that we need Gods blessing on our country some are just to proud to admit it.
    Katie and grinagation- You are both so right there are so many good things about the states. And those are the things I will teach my kids. I just dont want them to grow up thinking if they dont make it there their life will be crap. ;)
    Alice- You hit the nail on the head. We ended up not doing anything last night because as I explained to my husband I cant in one night instill what I feel the 4th intails. So I can only hope through our life Im able to do it.

  7. Sorry you are feeling sad. The holidays are always stressful. We are just experiencing a different side of the stresses available.

    Hope you can shed some of the sadness soon.

  8. I cried off and all all day o the fourth- but for a different reason (which I will blog about soon). This is my first 4th od July after my Daddy passed away. The very last picture taken of him was last year on te fourth of July - holding his only grandchild (my oldest girl) and standing next to me smiling underneath the American flag - despite battling lung cancer. He died on September 16th - Mexico's Independence day! So Independence day's for me have been ruined.

    Thanks for stopping by Our Little Life , I actually DID get the book you are talking about - probably because of your blog!! So much helpful information in it.

  9. Hey, so nice to find your blog thanks to my friend Gail. I'm a fellow exile, in Juarez, coming up on the 1 year mark. I get how you're feeling totally.